


a sweater in the dark

by debvors



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, It Gets Better, It's a little bit sad, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, SuperCorp, it all starts bc of a sweater
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22801777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debvors/pseuds/debvors
Summary: Sometimes you think that you've lost your favorite sweater forever and then you see a stranger wearing it around campus. And surely, you can't let it go again.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen, James "Jimmy" Olsen/Winn Schott Jr., Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Querl Dox/Nia Nal
Comments: 48
Kudos: 153





	1. blue haze

**Author's Note:**

> Hello nice people !
> 
> I'm back with my second Supercorp fic and I'm super excited about it.
> 
> I won't lie this story has a sad feeling to it with loneliness being heavily mentioned but it gets better and I hope you'll be here for the ride ! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Kara remembers vividly the day Eliza gave her the soft ugly blue and brown sweater that admittedly became her favorite item of clothing.

She was sitting in front of the big windows in their living-room, staring at the stars and wishing for things she didn't understand. She had the souvenir of a small girl feeling lost in a world too big for her, a world where she didn't think she could ever fit in. She had cried many nights under the covers of her bed, trying to muffle her sobs while Alex slept at the opposite side of the room. She had prayed for somebody to come and make her feel at home again, prayed for her parents to come back.

They never did.

And that night the walls of her room had felt too close, the noises of her despair too loud to stay there. She had come down slowly, careful as to not wake Jeremiah and Eliza up, and sat. At the time it had felt like it was the first time she found herself at peace, finding something in the brightness of the stars. Eliza would tell her later that she had hesitated before coming up to her that night, that the moment had felt too important to intrude. But she had come, a cup of hot chocolate in her hands and the sweater hanging on her left arm. 

It was at least five times too big for her small body, the hem falling under her knees, hands disappearing under the soft fabric. Kara had held the cup with covered hand, barely feeling the burning sensation of the liquid and Eliza had sat there, gently stroking her hair like a mother. She remembers the look of absolute love that she received, remembers the long-lasting hug Eliza gave her before urging her to go to sleep. This sweater was the remembrance of this night, a priceless gift. 

And so, she kept it close to her as she grew older, carrying it around like a dear cuddly toy, cherishing it like it was made of some luxurious materials and nobody questioned it. Not even Alex. 

But as high school came around things around her began to change, she was lost again in a world where nobody seemed to be her friend. She was discovering herself and others and it was scary, so scary and then Jeremiah left. Just like her parents, joining the stars and the heavenly beings and suddenly their home felt like a house. The light in Eliza's eyes dimmed, Alex was out most of the time getting smashed and breaking things while Kara stood there utterly alone. 

Everything reminding her of the past, the time where they were somewhat happy, where she felt like she had found a family, was suddenly too much. The poorly drawn family on a green piece of paper hanging in the hallway, the matching socks for Christmas were a reminder of a failure Kara somehow felt like she was responsible for. She became closed off, her smiles never reaching her eyes and the sweater laid abandoned on the ground. She didn't want to see it anymore and when Eliza came up one day asking if she had clothes she could sell at their local secondhand shop she didn't even flinch while giving her precious sweater. 

But then things did get better and she went to college and she met new people with whom she could just be herself, have her bad days and her happy days and know that they would be here at the end. Everything was finally fine again and she forgot about the sweater but not totally about the heartache because you never really heal from this kind of things. So, what if she still kept that part of her life to herself? Nobody needed to know, there wasn't any reason why they would need to know until there was. 

She was walking around the campus, her arm linked with Winn's who was gushing once again about James even though Kara still struggles to see why. They were walking on the grass, absent-mindedly looking at the shadow of the sunset on the campus buildings. A blue haze slowly painting itself on their path hinting a world they'll never totally unravel. And as Kara's eyes searched for something in the blue light, she found her, exiting the library in a hurry, walking so fast that her hair seemed caught in a gust of wind that wasn't there.  
  
She was holding close to her chest a stack of heavy books while she unsuccessfully tried to hold up her glasses at the top of her nose. She looked like a passing angel, something that came and went so fast that you doubted it was ever there. And it probably would have been that if Kara hadn't saw it - the sweater - remaining too large for the woman figure, still looking soft covered in its blue and brown stripes and Kara without thinking started to run. 

She ran as fast as she could, crossing the little parcel of grass in seconds while Winn shouted her name making the woman turned slightly toward the sound stopping Kara in her tracks. A frown made its way onto the woman's face, making her look annoyed but Kara only saw her eyes. They looked grey in the slowly coming night, bright like stars which had just fallen on Earth and for some reason Kara just smiled, not crossing the last few meters separating them. The woman's frown just deepened, not returning the smile and she remained walking. 

Kara watched as she disappeared, taking with her the blue haze, leaving the campus dark, silent, and Kara with tears in her eyes. 

_In the night, I hear 'em talk  
The coldest story ever told  
Somewhere far along this road  
He lost his soul to a woman so heartless  
How could you be so heartless?_

_Kanye West – Heartless_


	2. stars in your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara makes a poor attempt at socialization and realizes some things aren't worth pursuing.

Kara didn't tell anybody about that night and Winn never asked about the single tear he saw rolling down her cheek. She never saw the woman again either even as she came night after night at the same time, at the same place looking for the same thing. The park in the middle of the campus was always devoid of any souls, any movements and after a month she stopped. Still, Kara kept glancing at the library when she passed it, still wished-for jet-black hair and ugly sweater to make an appearance but they never did. And Kara doesn't understand why it matters so much because it's not like she could just go to the woman and ask for it, it would be weird and certainly inappropriate. There is nothing she can do except obsessing about lights and grey eyes. 

She's on her way to a date with Mike wondering why she's even bothering when she sees her again. She's wearing this long red velvet coat, a black beanie covering most of her head and walking, like always, fast. Kara watches as the streetlamps seem to paint her shadow on the ground like an abstract painting. The hideous brown fluffy boots she's wearing make little to no sound on the pavement and Kara wonders how someone can have such a bad sense of style and still look astonishingly beautiful. It's an unconscious thought, obviously.

She can see the sweater peaking underneath the coat the mysterious woman is trying to keep close to herself. It makes the woman's attire even more ugly and Kara smiles, all big and teeth before making her decision. She takes a big turn, walking the opposite direction from the woman before pretending she's trying to fight the cold wind even though her body is wrapped in a big blue winter jacket. She keeps her head down and keep walking even as she sees the woman's body approaching, until it's too late. She bumps into the woman, as carefully as she can, her right hand positioning itself on the woman's elbow to keep her steady and then she sees her.

She's slightly disoriented, already frowning and trying to adjust her beanie which has fallen slightly over her eyes. Kara stares at the redness on her cheek, the pallor of her skin, the delicate curve of her trembling lips and then her eyes. These eyes that don't seem grey anymore under the harsh light of the streetlamps, they look blue or pale green Kara's not entirely sure. And they are so pretty that Kara nearly forget what she has just done, nearly misses the hard lines making their way onto the woman's face. 

"Oh! I'm so sorry I wasn't watching where I was going!", offers Kara with what she hopes is her best apologetic smile. 

"It's fine."

But the woman doesn't look fine, she looks burdened and angry and Kara is not paying attention again because she's walking away.

"Wait! Wait!", shouts Kara coming after the woman who's slowly turning around, her posture going rigid.

The woman stares at her, her arms crossed in front of her and she doesn't look please by Kara's demeanor. Kara wouldn't be either in her position, but she has the sweater and she looks like she really needs a hug, or two. 

"It's just that, you... you seem nice and I was wondering if I could see you again around campus?", weakly says Kara, cringing at her own proposition.

The woman is surprised, dropping for a moment her cold persona before it's back in place.

"Are you after my money?" suddenly accuses the woman.

"Your what?!" exclaims Kara, all of this is absurd. "Are you some kind of billionaire or something?"

The woman doesn't look like a billionaire or maybe she does because if Kara had been paying close attention, she would have noticed the gold Chanel emblem on the woman's sleeve. But even if she had she couldn't even fathom trying to be friendly with someone just because of their money. And while Kara's thinking the woman begin to relax, starts to think that maybe this over joyous girl really don't know about her or her family. But it's wishful thinking, she knows it is, coincidence doesn't happen to her. 

"Don't play dumb."

"Now you are just being rude, it's not because you're pretty that I'm going to let you talk to me like that!"

The woman’s eyes grow wide for a minute, a glimmer of what seems to be regret passing through them. Kara's puffed cheek are red as she turns her back to the woman and makes her way toward the damn dinner where stupid Mike is waiting for her. She can't believe the woman audacity; nobody can be that important to utter such words toward another. And maybe she's making too much out of this exchange, but she didn’t expect to be this disappointed. She doesn’t deserve the sweater, whatever her name might be.

Kara opens the door of the dinner five minutes later forcedly, the bells attached to it jingling way too loudly for her liking before realizing that everybody is looking at her. Everybody but Mike who’s still on his phone, probably scrolling through a sea of incoherent memes with questionable undertones. He, at least, had had the decency to put some nice clothes on and it looks like he put something in his hair, but Kara isn’t so sure.

She sends an apologetic smile at one of the waitresses her entrance had frightened before sitting in front of Mike. The smell of his cologne hits her right in the nose, and she restrains herself from gagging. 

“Sorry for the time,” she offers, but she isn’t really sorry.

Mike starts then by telling her that she should not worry about it and then proceeds to talk only about himself for fifteen minutes straight. She takes this time to study his face, the line of his jaw, the light crow’s feet slowly drawing themselves on his skin, the light blue of his eyes, and this mouth which never seems to close itself. He’s a pretty guy, and she knows she’s lucky to have captured his attention, that a lot of girls are running around, parading in front of him every day, but that’s not it. What they have is barely working, standing on shaky legs and taking unnecessary steps toward something neither of them want. Sometimes it feels like they are fighting against time, that there aren’t enough seconds until the end for them to really get to know each other and finally _click._ And Kara had asked Alex if it felt like this with Maggie, if it feels like this with Kelly but she only received an apology hid behind a look.

After a one-hour meal and few words from Kara’s part they leave the dinner, hand and hand, with Kara staring at Mike and him still talking animatedly. He leads them toward the small lake just outside the campus. There is close to no lights illuminating the place, but Kara is convinced she can see the light of the stars reflecting onto the calm waters. It’s beautiful, touching from Mike’s part, because she remembers the day she told him how much she loved the way stars illuminated the world. And now he’s showing her that he cares and he’s staring at her like she’s one of them but the only thing she sees is that she can’t find them in his eyes.

_How do I mend what's broken? How do I turn around?_  
Half of my heart regrets it, if only you changed my mind  
And I let love drift away when you're begging me to stay

_LÉON – What You Said_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i'm really liking writing this story so far and i hope you like reading it. 
> 
> do not hesitate to tell me if you've found any mistakes or incoherences i'll be happy to correct them.
> 
> once again thank you for taking the time to lay your eyes on my story and have a very very good day.


	3. Get together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals are here and Kara is not managing as much as she would want.

Finals are coming up and Kara is stressing like crazy. She snapped at Winn three time in the span of two hours and Alex refuses to talk to her until her mood has improved. It won’t, because she doesn’t know how to handle pressure, she’s suffocating under expectations she erected herself. And maybe she should blow up some steam, go for a run, breath some fresh air but she will stay in this library until her eyes can’t stay open anymore.

“Kara, I know it’s important for you to have good grades and all, but you need to leave this place,” gently tries Winn.

“I can’t, I still have so much materials to review and I just arrived.”

“ _You did not_ , you’ve been here since 8AM and it’s nearly 5PM. You didn’t even eat!”

This reminder makes her stomach grumbles enticing some nasty stares her way. It’s true, she has been here for a while, even Winn isn’t exhausting himself that much when he has this big engineering and computer thing major that Kara really can’t wrap her head around.  
She’s good, she knows it and she have the chance to study something she loves but there is always this nagging fear of failure that she can’t seem to process. She talked about it with Nia and she understood under some extent, but you can only ask for so much in a person.

Maybe Winn is right, maybe she needs to go out for a little while and take a shower… Definitely a shower.

“You are turning out like this girl in one of my class who doesn’t seem to live anywhere else,” starts Winn while putting his computer in his bag, “I don’t even know why she bothers paying rent for the dorm when she’s barely there.”

“Some people take their education very seriously Winn, you can’t blame them. Plus, she may not have a choice. Not everyone is fortunate enough to afford an apartment in the city.”

A laughter bubbles in her friend throat as she looks at him sternly before it all spills out and she has to drag him out of the library. He is still laughing his ass off in the cold when she decides she should pick up her things and take a nap in her bed.  
When she comes back Winn’s laughter has died down and she motions for him to explain himself.

“The girl is Lena Luthor, Kara.”

It’s the only thing he offers her, as if it explains it all.

“Lena who?”

“Girl, you can’t be serious.” And Winn truly sounds scandalized, but she doesn’t get it. “LuthorCorp in National City? In Metropolis?”

“You mean that big skyscraper with the big ‘L’ on it in the business district?”

“Yes! This one!”

“So, what? Her uncle is the owner or something?”

Winn in a way of an answer just look at her. He seems desperate, like there truly is nothing else he can do for her.

“It’s _the daughter_ , Kara, the daughter of Lionel Luthor.”

The implication slowly dawns on her. She’s the daughter of a multi-billionaire businessman. She’s the inheritor of a family’s fortune that even if Kara lived for a thousand years, she wouldn’t be able to achieve.

“ _Oh_ , I see.”

“But she’s pretty chill, a little bit closed off I’ll admit but she seems like a nice person,” shrugs Winn, “anyway, I am starving and there is a new pizza place not too far from here. Let’s go.”

Kara drops the subject as soon as the word pizza is uttered. She suddenly feels like she hasn’t eaten in weeks and she’s in a mood for a food contest. She always wins against Winn.

When they arrive at the pizza place Kara can already see Brainy, Nia and James squeezed together in the seat of a small booth. Kelly and Alex are sitting on two stools looking at them weirdly while James is struggling to not fall.  
The smile that overcomes Kara’s face is surprising even herself as she rushes inside. She’s greeted by a loud “ _finally_ ”, mostly addressed to Winn.

“You all came for me?” And it’s totally a coincidence that her eyes start to water.

“Of course, we love you!” squeals Nia while Alex makes a gagging motion. Kelly reprimands her with a glare before hugging Kara tightly.

She goes around sharing hugs with everybody and an awkward handshake from Brainy’s part but it’s more than enough and she wonders how she landed here. With friends that love her so much that some days it feels like she’s just too full to handle it. How she made it to this booth sharing foods with her favorite people in the world and laughing with tears in her eyes.

She thinks that baby Kara wouldn’t believe it and she so dear wants to jump back in time and tell her that it’s ok. The loneliness will go away, and you’ll be enough. She finally found people for whom she’ll always be more than enough.

-

_We are friends for life, hold that deep inside  
Let this be your drive to survive  
And just stand high and tall  
Make sure you give your all  
And if you ever fall, know that I'm right here_

_Little Mix – Always Be Together_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is, the late update. i still hope you liked it even though it's a little bit short.
> 
> now, we are living a very strange part of history and i beg you to be careful and to please stay inside. 
> 
> this situation is unprecedented and it's hard to know what to do and what not but staying inside (if you can) is your safest option for you and those around you. 
> 
> i know it can be hard for a lot of us, particularly for those struggling with mental illnesses and/or abusive partner or family and for that i send you all the love i have and if you need anything please do not hesitate to message me on tumblr at maewrite or debvors i'll be happy to talk with you about anything. 
> 
> love you all and take care, we are all in this together.


	4. purple rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's always in the rain that something gets revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prince said about purple rain "when there’s blood in the sky … red and blue [equals] purple … purple rain pertains to the end of the world and being with the one you love and letting your faith/god guide you through the purple rain" and i just felt like it was fitting the atmosphere of this chapter.

She’s crying on the sidewalk, the lady with the sweater. She has her head in her hands and rain pouring over her soul. She’s soaked from head to toe, faded blue jeans and white sneakers getting mud all over them. Even the sweater doesn’t look like itself, it looks black from the distance with its sleeves rolled up, like it’s not freezing outside.

Kara’s hiding under a tree, she got caught up by the rain leaving the library. It poured in an instant, without any warning. Thankfully she is wearing her pink waterproof coat that Alex hates for no reasons. It’s a pretty pastel pink and Kara doesn’t regret one cent she spent on it, even less now that it saved her life. She wanted to take a picture for Alex and proves that it wasn’t a useless purchase when she had seen her.

She can’t look away now, can’t stop seeing the way the lights of the campus don’t reflect on the woman’s hair. How even the streetlights seem to avoid her figure. And Kara finds it sad, because it truly feels like the light is giving her up to the night, that only the darkness is willing to wrap itself around her.

The woman is shaking and it’s not from the cold. Kara’s convinced she can hear her sobs under the remorseless sound of the rain, feel her pain as each drop touch the ground. She fears the woman might collapse under her sadness, fear it will swallow her to never give her back.

She knows if she leaves nobody will come and the stranger wouldn’t even be disappointed. She wouldn’t even care because she expects no-one. Kara sees it in the way her body trembles, in the resentfulness of her hands in her hair, in the way she has given up. It is what does it in the end, why she’s walking slowly under the coldness of the rain. Why she lets herself be at the mercy of the elements, why she sits next to her and let the rain wash over her.

She looks up at the sky, balancing herself on her hand, and starts reading the stars. They always have stories to tell from all the lonely being who didn’t have anybody else to hear them. Kara isn’t able to recognize the stars, doesn’t know a single constellation but she knows the stars she saw all these years ago are still here, watching over her. She wishes the woman would look up and see what she’s seeing, surely, she could find some comfort in the place that hold so many beliefs.

But when she looks at her again, she’s not looking at the sky, she’s not looking at the ground. She’s looking at her, with green eyes drowning in sadness, with a look that isn’t a cry for help. And Kara stares and learn, tries to memorize and to look away at the same time. Because what she sees is far too familiar, far too intense for a soul that’s so gentle. She wants to hug her, to tell her to keep holding on but she can see she’s too late. In these pools of green life itself has rescinded.

And then the woman smiles at her, it’s beautifully heartbreaking, a cataclysmic desolation and Kara for the first time feels like she just had her heartbroken.

-

_"Fools", said I, "You do not know  
Silence like a cancer grows  
Hear my words that I might teach you  
Take my arms that I might reach you"  
But my words, like silent raindrops, fell  
And echoed in the wells of silence_

_Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and for keeping up with me even with the messy update schedule 😕
> 
> i will try as much as i can to update once a week even if the chapters aren't that long to have a minimum of consistency.
> 
> i thank you once again and i hope you are doing the best you can during these strange times. 
> 
> love you all.


	5. "you, my friend, are a mess."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kara feels like she has one (1) braincell and she needs to find another one (spoiler, the owner is Nia).

“And you have no idea who this girl is?” asks Nia between the narrow aisles of the thrift store.

“No idea, I mean, I didn’t even think about asking for her name everything was so surreal.”

Kara had been turning the event of the infamous night in her head repeatedly during these past few days. She was starting to think she was insane, and that she made up everything in her mind. She needed to tell somebody about it, and who else than Nia for it?

She had tried to convey everything that had happen in a relatively short rant while trying not to put that much emphasis on the woman’s eyes. _God_ , those eyes.

“I understand why you are thinking about it because, you know, coincidence can be coincidence until a certain extent, but I still don’t get why you ran up to her in the first place that day?”

Nia’s holding a white satiny blouse close to her chest and is too engrossed at looking at herself in the small mirror in the shop's corner to notice Kara flinch. So, yes, she told the entire story without mentioning the sweater thing. She doesn’t know what to say, isn’t ready to explain why she wanted that sweater so badly that she became obsessed by the person wearing it.

Noticing Kara’s silent, Nia slowly averts her eyes from her reflection, a realization dawning on her. Kara doesn’t like that at all, because she cannot come to the same conclusion as her. She doesn’t have all the cards in her hand.

“She was just wearing a sweater that I particularly liked,” weakly offers Kara, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

“OK. Then we’ll talk to her the next time you see her, ask her where she bought it.”

She looks so innocent and sweet giving this piece of advice surrounded by the smell of old clothes, but Kara knows Nia too well to believe that she’ll stop at this poorly made up explanation.

“It’s not that easy, I told you how she reacted when I came up to her the other day.”

“You mean how you nearly pushed her to the ground and then ask her to be your friend?” asks Nia, an eyebrow raised.

“It didn’t look so lame, I was nice! But then she started talking about her money and me being some kind of profiteer and I just left her there.”

“Her money?” incredulously says Nia. “Kara you need to tell me all the elements of the story before telling it to me, not feed me with breadcrumb of information and leaving out the interesting part.”

“The interesting part? What’s interesting about me being bullied?”

Nia sights, mumbling something about Kara being too dramatic for her own sake, before going to the register finally choosing to buy the top.

Kara’s lingering behind her, staring at the brick wall where the owner pinned photographs of her family and strangely enough, a band poster. The woman smiles at her when she sees her staring and Kara fumbles over her words for no reasons before Nia leads her out by the arm.

“You, my friend, are a mess.”

She doesn’t elaborate on that and motions for her to follow, which she does because it looks like they are going to an ice-cream parlor and she’s only human.

They settle down at one table outside the shop, Kara with mint and chocolate chip ice-cream and Nia with her lemon sorbet. They argued for 5 seconds about Kara’s choice, Nia claiming that it is one of the devil inventions before realizing people were looking at them funny. 

“So, let’s do a recap,” starts Nia, mouth full of sugary lemon, “you saw a woman with a sweater you liked so much that you became a full on stalker and when you finally spoke to her, she told you were after her money. That’s correct?”

“Yes, I mean except the fact that I’m a-”

“That is not the point,” interrupts Nia, “but your undeniable awkwardness may have led us to something.”

Kara only hopefully stares at Nia, maybe she was seeing things she couldn’t.

“Your woman is loaded, and while there are many rich students here, they aren’t that many who are rich enough to think people might be after their money.”

Fair point.

“It largely reduces the number of people this woman could be. In fact, I’m pretty sure we are under five people, but I’ll have to ask Brainy for their files.”

“Their files?! Isn’t it like illegal? Can we not search for them on Facebook like normal people?”

“Normal people don’t use Facebook anymore, Kara.” incredulously says Nia. “And it makes things more interesting, thrilling if you know what I mean. Plus, not everybody has ‘billionaire’ in their bio.”

Kara refrains herself from saying that she does not see what she means before letting out a heavy sigh. She really got herself into something she’ll never see the end of.

-

_Pretty woman walking down the street_

_Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet_

_Pretty woman... I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth_

_No one could look as good as you_

_Mercy!_

_Roy Orbison – Pretty Woman_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND FOR YOUR PATIENCE!
> 
> once again i hope you are taking care of yourselves during these times as much as you can. 
> 
> it is weirdly hard to be productive during this period even though i've never had more time to write but you know, that's life i guess.
> 
> i wish you a wonderful day filled with 50k slowburns and for the most brave productivity. 
> 
> take care and love you!
> 
> (find me on tumblr @maewrite and on twitter @maeisuseless)


	6. right in front of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Nia dive in the world of social media revealing the truth.

She’s in Brainy’s room, sitting on the floor and watching Nia and Brainy looking at documents they probably shouldn’t own. Nia is squeezed to Brainy’s side, and it still feels strange to see him allow somebody close to him. But Nia being herself, it was inevitable for him to fall.

“Well, we have around 15 millionaires and 7 billionaires in this university, which is a surprisingly high number and only 6 of them are female heir,” says Brainy, finally locking eyes with her.

“That’s a wonderful start! What do they look like? I’m sure I’ll be able to recognize her.”

“Strangely enough, they are fairly private about their life,” announces Nia, “I mean a lot of them have private Instagram account with profile picture taken from such an angle I’m sure even their family don’t recognize them.”

“Do they not attend covered event? Galas? Maybe we can find some photos on the Internet.”

“You are the one majoring in journalism, do your job,” states Brainy already invested in something else.

He doesn’t intend to be mean, but Kara still has a fragile ego and she can’t stop her teeth from grinding together.

“I’ll do it with you Kara,” says Nia, understanding in her voice, “and try to be nicer babe, she’s struggling here.”

Brainy only shrugs and lets Nia put a small kiss on his forehead before she meets Kara on the ground. She opens up her laptop, a smiling monkey sticker greeting them where the circle of the camera should be.

“You know, I don’t understand why you bother putting that sticker when you don’t even have a password for your laptop.”

“I don’t mind people seeing my stuffs, but I do mind if they see me without my consent,” explains Nia, already scrolling through Instagram.

She’s opening tabs after tabs, checking thing on a list she won’t let Kara see and it feels more wrong minutes after minutes. She feels like she’s doing too much for an old sweater and she has no idea why Nia follows through without asking questions. She’s half hoping as she opens the twentieth tab on her computer that she’ll realize she has better things to do than helping her desperate friend.

“I think we can eliminate the obvious ones,” starts Nia, “Veronica Sinclair, Lena Luthor, Helena Wayne.”

“Why are they obvious?”

“Because everybody knows what they look like,” states Nia rolling her eyes, because it is apparently obvious, but it’s not and Kara has no idea who these women are.

She lets it slide, watches carefully as Nia closes their tabs, searching for clues. It gives her no information about these apparently famous people, their profiles just have pictures of events or buildings their families own. Kara wonders if they are really that famous. She couldn’t have navigated her first college year without knowing such people, could she?

“Actually, Winn told me about Lena Luthor, she’s in his engineering class I think,” tries Kara.

“Oh yeah, she’s super good at it. I think she’s the only one of the three majoring in something else than business,” adds Nia without looking away from the screen.

“Yes, she is,” intervenes Brainy, and it’s surprising enough to finally get Nia’s attention. “She once came into my coding class, apparently she had questions for the professor. Everybody was looking at her like she was some goddess or something. An evil goddess, though. I just thought she was sad and then she helped me with the program I was making.”

“What? You thought she was sad, and she helped you?” incredulously says Kara.

“She did.”

Brainy is frowning, challenging her as he always does when he thinks Kara is doubting him. She never understood the way he behaved around her. She considers him a friend but sometimes she feels like the feeling isn’t mutual.

“What she means is that you probably left out a part between these two events.”

Brainy looks at Nia, then Kara before going back to whatever he was doing. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, Kara wants to talk about it with Nia, tells her she’s not his guardian. That her role isn’t to make him learn how to behave inside society. But Kara knows it’s not her place.

“So, at least you know who Lena Luthor is. It’s a good start!” hopefully says Nia and Kara is too slow to react, too slow to nod eagerly as she always does and Nia understands.

“You don’t know what she looks like, don’t you?” tiredly says Nia, letting her laptop slide from her legs to the ground.

“I mean…”

Nia facepalms herself and Kara feels herself getting hotter second after second. She’s embarrassed, she hates not knowing even more since she’s a journalism student. She should know these things but she always thought, thinks, that there are people who needs a platform more than wealthy people who have everything handed to them.

“Next time just tell me Kara,” sighs Nia, picking her phone from her back pocket. She scrolls through Instagram for a few seconds before turning the phone toward Kara. “Is that your girl?”

Kara is at a loss of words. In front of her eyes, on a cracked screen, is the picture of the woman with the sweater. She’s wearing a dark red suit, her arms are crossed, and she looks at the camera like she could end it. And she really could, Kara can already feel her bones being crushed under the power of that gaze. “Her woman” is Lena Luthor, she had been in front of her the entire time. She could have known since the beginning if she had bothered looking into Winn’s weird classmate. She feels stupid.

“From your gobsmacked face I gather that it’s her,” says Nia a teasing smile playing on her lips.

“How could I not know? Lena Luthor, the heir of LuthorCorp, daughter of Lilian and Lionel Luthor. How did I not know what she looked like?”

Nia looks at her, something shining like pity behind her eyes before helping the both of them off the ground. She throws her laptop on the bed, earning a nasty glare from Brainy before making them leave the room. As soon as the door closes behind them, both of Nia’s hand are on Kara’s face.

“Listen, I know you are panicking but it’s not a big deal. You couldn’t have known, plus she’s not taking the company any time soon so there wasn't any reason to look out for her,” reassures Nia. “The splendid news is that we know who the girl is, the terrible news is that it won’t be as easy as I first thought it would be.”

Kara nods, letting the feeling of Nia’s hand on her face spread through her entire body. Maybe she liked it more when she didn’t know. Because, when she didn’t know, she couldn’t act on anything just hope for them to meet again. It was a beautiful way of living, also a stupid one. But now she knows, Nia knows, Brainy out of everyone knows and she can’t stop here.

“You’ll help me?” she asks, voice small and head slightly bowed.

Nia sighs, a loving sigh, and leaves a kiss on Kara’s forehead. Sometimes she’s just a child who needs guidance, who needs to be told that it will be okay. Nia doesn’t say it. Kara still hopes her smile is enough of an answer.

-

_Could I get a rewind?_

_Get another chance, take it back in time_

_‘Cause I don’t know what to do_

_With everything I’m goin’ through_

_Conan Gray – Little League_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what? a new chapter in such a short time? i know i'm even surprising myself. 
> 
> so, as you probably noticed i altered brainy and kara relationship dynamic but it just felt right for the story. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter and i'll see you as soon as possible!
> 
> take care!!


	7. stars are dying suns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara finally takes it upon her to find Lena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick info : i changed my username from maewrite to debvors if any of you were confused!
> 
> enjoy!!

The lecture hall is enormous, somehow bigger than any of the ones Kara already went to. A lot of the students have laptops with colorful keyboards and even sophisticated mouth adapted to the shape of their hands. It’s mostly populated by male students who looks like they’ve never known sleep or seen a shower in three months. It looks and smells weirdly like college life without parity. Kara thinks Winn haven’t done quite bad for himself in this kind of environment. 

“So, there are a lot of boys…”

“Oh, yeah. You get used to it after a month of smelly lecture hall.”

Winn opens his own laptop; it doesn’t have a fancy keyboard, but it does have a lot of colorful stickers. He has the coolest one out of all the one here, in Kara’s opinion. For her part, she only has a notepad, she remembers better when she writes the information, not that she’s even interested in this lesson. She’s only there because she knows _she_ ’ll be there. She wants to see her in her natural habitat, see how she interacts when she knows everybody can see her.

“What if she doesn’t come?” asks Kara, surveying the room.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” scoffs Winn, “she’s always there, just right on time.”

As if on clues, as the clock strikes ten, she’s entering the lecture hall. At first, Kara thinks nothing change, she’s just another student going to class. But as she studies the surrounding people, she can see the way they try not to stare, hear the voices getting an octave lower than before. It’s barely noticeable, but you can’t ignore it. She feels bad for her, she’s known wherever she goes. People see her without really seeing, they see the money, the wealth, the inheritance, the name, but they don’t see _Lena_. They don’t see how beautiful she is, how soft the distinct shades of green in her eyes can become, how human she is. People are blind to her humanity, and it makes Kara sick to her stomach.

Kara thinks she’s going to sit at the front of the class. Maybe lightly to the side so she’s not directly in front of the professor, but she keeps going up the stairs of the lecture hall. Closer and closer to Winn and Kara’s place. Kara sends Winn a panicked look that he does not return and suddenly it feels like a terrible idea. She’s supposed to observe, not get in contact with her again. Not after last time.

“Winn! Scoot your butt over,” whispers Kara, panic in her voice.

They can avoid most of the damage if she gets them out of sight. They are too close to the aisle, too vulnerable because those eyes are a weapon and Kara desperately needs to hide. She’s not ready! Winn, however, has no care in the world and has the audacity to wiggle his eyebrows at her.

“I’ll punch you, _scoot over_!”

This time Winn has the decency to look appealed and finally scoots over. It’s only one seat further than before, but Kara already feels safer. Now she’s untouchable.

“Can I sit there?”

And Kara nods eagerly, not looking up, with a newly found confidence that apparently gives her the ability to be invisible. But she should have known she’s no superhero, and she has no superpower because when she turns to the side to kindly great her new neighbor it’s Lena who’s waiting for her.

She’s looking straight ahead, having somehow opened her laptop and start typing the lesson. The lesson taught by a professor Kara hadn’t seen come in. She wants to look over at Winn, see if he’s as startle as she is which he probably isn’t but it’s far from discreet. Plus, it’s not like she could stop staring at Lena’s profile, well she’s not staring directly at her, but she knows her side eye looks aren’t that good.

“Are you going to introduce yourself or are you just going to stare?” Lena asks, eyes slowly shifting from the professor to Kara.

Kara does not imagine the smirk that’s on the woman’s face, nor does she feel like she’s going to pass out. It’s definitely a novel approach than before, but then again, it’s the first time Lena is making the first move. It feels strange to think of it like that.

“Oh. I’m Kara, Kara Danvers,” says Kara extending her hand. Her smile is impeccable.

“I know.” Lena’s eyes shine for a moment before she goes back to typing. “I’m Lena.”

Kara doesn’t say “I know” because it’s the worst thing to say. She just smiles and continues staring at Lena, this time without shame. She can see it amuses her, morphing her smirk into a kinder type of smile. She likes Lena like this, smiling like there is nothing weighting on her shoulders.

“So, Lena,” Kara pauses, “would you like to be my friend?”

And Lena let the smallest laugh escape her before turning back to her. Her eyes are so green Kara thinks she’ll see this color for the rest of her life. She realizes she’s anxious for her answer, it’ll be bad to be rejected once again. Even more now than she had seen her smiling.

“I guess we could try that.”

Kara is willing to try, she’s willing to do a lot of things if it means she has the opportunity so look out for stars in Lena’s eyes. She knows stars are dying suns from other galaxies; she knows it means destruction and death, but it also allows new beginnings. And Kara wants to start fresh, she wants to discover this new sky with Lena by her side. 

She decides to leave Lena alone for the rest of the lecture. She starts scribbling new ideas for an article she’s working on, the sound of smashing keys being oddly comforting. She’s able to outline at least three fresh ideas and ignore Winn’s looks for the rest of the lecture. When the professor packs his stuffs Lena timidly wave them goodbye before speed walking to her next lecture. It’s a weird change of composure, but Kara finds it endearing.

“So, do you have another lecture to go to?” asks Kara finally acknowledging Winn.

“God no, I don’t have Lena’s strength I need a break! Let’s get coffee or something and we’ll talk about whatever this was.”

Kara avoids suspicious stares the whole way down the lecture hall, nearly throw a punch at one boy looking at her disapprovingly before Winn gets them out of the door. These people suck so much she doesn’t know how Lena deals with them every day.

Winn settles for a coffee-shop near the dorms, it’s relatively empty and they get their drinks in less than ten minutes. They sit at one table in the corner, Winn puts way too much sugar in his latte before looking at her. Kara restrains herself from making a comment by sipping on her tea and staring through the window. It’s raining again.

“So, you and Lena are friends now?”

“We are!”

“You don’t find it strange?”

“No!” precipitately says Kara. “I mean, should I?”

Kara frowns, there is nothing weird about making a new friend in college even if the person didn’t seem like your biggest fan at first. Winn gently smile at her before taking a sip of his over sugary drink. He’s thinking about something, but then again, he’s always thinking.

“No, I guess you should not. I just don’t understand why you want to befriend her suddenly. You didn’t even know she was in our college the other day.”

“I didn’t, but sometimes you meet people and instantly know they will make their ways into your life. My first encounters with Lena weren’t pleasant but you can’t ignore the signs forever,” explains Kara, spoon turning into her tea.

It did feel like signs, the sweater, the encounter when she was with Mike, their meeting under the rain. Kara truly feels like they were meant to meet, even if it was under weird circumstances. They’ll need each other in the future, she’s sure, and Kara is nobody to go against destiny.

“Yeah, about these _signs_ , you realize you still haven’t told me the whole story?”

And Kara for the first time wished Nia hadn’t kept her mouth shut. 

-

_Elle a les yeux revolver, elle a le regard qui tue_

_Elle a tiré la première, m'a touché, c'est foutu_

_Elle a les yeux revolver, elle a le regard qui tue_

_Elle a tiré la première, elle m'a touché, c'est foutu_

_Marc Lavoine – Elle a les yeux revolver_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you liked the first "official" meeting!
> 
> life is getting a little hectic but i'll try not to make you wait too long for the next update! (also chromatica is out in a few hours so i'll try to survive it)
> 
> again thank you for your support and take care.
> 
> \- find me on tumblr and twitter @debvors -


	8. care for the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara knows the road toward recovery isn't nice and smooth, and she knows she needs to keep going but she can't do it alone.   
> -  
> tw//mention of/implied suicidal thoughts + depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, i'm back after a long break mostly due to lack of motivation but also because i felt overwhelmed by the recent events.
> 
> police brutality didn't stop when the media stopped showing us what was really happening and we need to keep fighting. For black people but also for trans black people who's life expectancy is dangerously low. 
> 
> you'll find below links and resources that you can check out to donate or sign petition for blm but also for the uighur muslims in china and what's happening in portland. 
> 
> stay aware, educate yourselves and do what you can.
> 
> take care, i love you.

Kara’s staring at her reflection in a large puddle formed in front of the bench she’s sitting on. Her image is imperfect, tiny waves making her very soul waver, making the world feel a bit more imbalance. It’s cold, so freaking cold that she can’t feel her hands anymore, hid in the depth of her pockets. There is no sun today, the sky is full of angry clouds that saturate the atmosphere with the smell of upcoming rain. It’s waiting for a release that nobody can predict. Will it be a short warm heavy rain, with drops so big that they feel like tears from the heart on your face? Or will it be the icy rain, pelting down and making you feel cold from the inside, making you look out for this warm place we call home?

Kara hopes it’s the first one. She needs something warm to ease the sorrows she cannot name, not because they are secrets, but because they are unnamed. It’s the sorrows that hold sadness in their chores, that twist your insides in the way that makes you choke at night without letting you release any sound or tears. Kara aches for the warm tears of the sky to make hers known, to open the door to a place that needs a little more help to shine today. It’s exhausting to be a star every day, to project your light into the world when you’ve been dying since the first day you were born.

There was a period of time during Kara’s life where she doubted if it was worth putting the effort, if she cared enough to shine for other people to see. It was a mistake; it took her years to realize it; it was long and full of relapses, but at the end she understood. She needed to shine her light toward herself first. It might sound silly, but you can’t wish for people to see your light when you are not even bothering lighting it up.

Today, Kara needs a little help to maintain her scintillation. She closes herself up during these times because she’s not fun to be around; she doesn’t crack jokes, doesn’t laugh out loud, she’s not even clumsy anymore. She isn’t the Kara people know, and she doesn’t want to be perceived like this. She’s grateful to know that if she was to pick up the phone and ask for any of her friend to come, they would, but she can’t bear the company of people who don’t understand. Kara knows they try, and it’s with the purest heart that they do, but this problem, this state of being can only be understood by the people who have experienced it.

Kara can’t assume but she’s pretty sure none of her friends have gone through this path and really, it’s a relief. But it’s also the reason she won’t call them, won’t message them for help. Instead, she emailed the only person she knows has met with the darkness of life. It’s not the best way to start a friendship, but she thought that maybe it would help Lena to know she’s not alone in this, that it gets better. And so, she’s waiting on the bench for another sad soul to join her.

When Lena arrives it’s in silence, she crosses the frozen grass making no sound; she sits next to Kara like a feather would touch the ground. Small puff of steam escapes Lena’s mouth as she adjusts her coat around her. It’s the same red coat she was wearing when Kara was on her way to her date. These two Lena look identical except the one next to her is now her friend.

“Thank you for coming to meet me in the cold,” says Kara, a slight smile on her face.

“It’s hard to say no to an e-mail titled ‘I’m sad and freezing outside’,” jokes Lena nudging Kara with her elbow.

“Yeah, not my best pickup line I’ll admit… I should have named it ‘let’s get depressed together’.”

“I would have been there in a minute,” solemnly says Lena.

It makes a small laugh come out of Kara; it rasps her throat uncomfortably before a warm feeling settles over it. She looks over at Lena, who’s hair is falling on her shoulders, indifferent to the wind. She seems to shine today, her green eyes holding small fires Kara wants to reach out for. Lena feels so warm in this cold setting.

“I probably should’ve given you my number before leaving the other day. You wouldn’t have had to reach out to me through my student e-mail address.”

Lena sounds remorseful, like she already made a faux pas in this blossoming friendship.

“To be honest, I always wanted to start a friendship via e-mail… it’s kind of a nineties fantasy of mine.”

“Now, you are just making that up,” accuses Lena frown firmly in place.

“I am.”

It’s softly said, whispered into the wind only for Lena to hear. Her new friend put a strand of hair behind her ear before putting her legs against her chest. She looks like she’s in a cocoon, far away from this world. Kara briefly thinks about how easy it is to get lost in this cocoon and never see the light of the day ever again. But today is not the day to vocalize those thoughts.

“I feel sad.”

Her statement is met with silence and it feels like it’s the only thing she’ll get until Lena gently puts her right hand over her thigh. It’s light, ready to leave at any given moment, but Kara doesn’t want it to, so she puts her hand over it. The harsh cold welcome this embrace, solidifying it in time for them to look back in the future.

Lena doesn’t say it gets better, doesn’t say a single word really because she’s far behind Kara on this journey. She’s still pondering if she has a light that she wants to take care of. And it’s fine.

“Sometimes I think it will take my last breath away, I fear this moment because I might not try getting it back,” explains Kara, gaze searching for the evening star. “I think I need somebody to ground me, to tell me I’m walking too close to the edge. That it’s all tears and emptiness until you are not anymore, and that’s not what I want. I love life, I just don’t know if I like the way we navigate it sometimes.”

“I don’t feel anything,” Lena’s hand twitch under hers, “I don’t even remember how it is. It’s crazy, all this money, all this power, and the only thing I really need can’t be forced or bought.” Lena lets a chuckle escapes her lips, it’s dark and not pleasant at all to hear. Kara might even say she hears an edge of anger in it. She doesn’t like it. “You walk among your fellow human beings when you’re not feeling like one at all, it’s like being in a play. I always hated theater; it bores me more than anything, so I just stopped playing.”

“It’s…”

“The easy solution, yes,” cuts Lena retracting her hand.

“I would say understandable, but it’s one way of seeing it.”

Lena looks at her, surprise in her eyes, but her face stays still, her arms still circling her like a shield. Kara wonders if it was the best choice she could have done. If letting Lena knows about the darkness in her would really change anything, but then she sees something close to hope cross Lena’s face and she gently takes the woman’s hand again.

“It’s not the easy way Lena, it’s the only path you could have taken when the moment came. It must have been an unconscious choice, it was for me at least, because emptiness is not fun at all,” Lena rolls her eyes because, of course it’s not, and Kara smiles sadly, “but it also means that you fought for your life. We both know there will always be this other choice, the one we are never ready to talk about and let alone make other people understand why we are considering it in the first place. But you didn’t pick it. You kept going even when the side effects weren’t wanted and, honestly just really sucked, and for that I won’t ever think you chose the easy way. Because there is nothing harder than continuing when you want everything to stop.”

Kara stares at Lena’s face, watching tears slowly falling from her angel eyes. She watches these drops of water draw memories for her to discover on Lena’s cheek and realize that maybe she doesn’t need the rain to heal. Maybe she needs somebody to heal with.

“You are too fucking sweet you should shut up,” says Lena between sobs, one hand frantically chasing away the tears while the other squeeze Kara’s hand a little bit more.

“That’s not how you talk to your new friend,” teases Kara and Lena’s playfully pushes her away but really Kara has never felt closer to somebody.

-

_If they say  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
In the sky of a million stars  
It flickers, flickers  
Who cares when someone's time runs out?  
If a moment is all we are  
Or quicker, quicker  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well I do_

_Linkin Park – One More Light_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> black lives matter resources :   
> \- toolkit : https://blacklivesmatter.com/resource-category/toolkits/  
> \- petitions : https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#petitions  
> \- donate : https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#donate  
> \- supporting black lgbtq+ youth mental health : https://www.thetrevorproject.org/2020/06/01/supporting-black-lgbtq-youth-mental-health/
> 
> uighur muslims in china resources :   
> \- thread of petitions : https://twitter.com/JayLafayout/status/1284827084649574405?s=20  
> \- about uighur and what's happening : https://www.saveuighur.org/uighur/  
> \- donate : https://giving.soundvision.com/civicrm/contribute/transact?id=3&reset=1
> 
> portland resources :   
> \- what's happening and why : https://www.opb.org/news/article/police-violence-portland-protest-federal-officers/  
> \- bail fund : https://www.gofundme.com/f/pdx-protest-bail-fund?utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=m_pd+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link-tip


	9. sour candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara spends her evening with Mike but would rather pay attention to her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everybody! i'm back with a chapter that struck me last night as i was desperately trying to sleep. 
> 
> i like it a lot and really enjoyed writing it i hope your reading experience will be the same. 
> 
> have a good read!

Kara’s candy is melting on her tongue, round and a little sharp on the edges, she makes it travel along her teeth. It tastes sour and sweet, nearly enough to make her eyes squint, to make the back of her throat burn a little. The bag of candies rest on her lap, open on the side, never completely. The candies wrapped in small plastic paper make too much noises over the TV. She doesn’t know why, but she takes her sweet time unwrapping them, letting the wrapping papers fall to her side, letting them touch the floor without a sound. It makes it impossible to follow the movie, makes it hard to stay focus, it’s annoying and Kara hates it but she continues.

She sees Mike in her peripheral vision giving her a sidelong look, clenching his fist behind her head, craning his neck to see God knows what. She makes a popping sound, and he nearly talks, feels him grab the back of the couch where his arm had laid motionless. She doesn’t like what she’s doing, doesn’t even understand why she does it.

It was supposed to be a romantic night, one where they could catch up and release the stress they had accumulated thanks to the exams. A night to rekindle a flame that Kara is slowly realizing is the only one seeing going extinct. While she had been strangely eager for this cozy date, seeing Mike didn’t have the expected reaction. Her mind, body, heart had barely reacted at all. She had _observed_ him opening the door, _studied_ him playing the movie, _assessed_ him when he put her closer. Everything had been so meticulous, devoid of any intention, of any double meaning. He was just evolving in her space, taking space where she would rather see the void. She was detaching herself from him, dehumanizing his image in her mind, painting something in watercolor rather than in expensive oil paints. 

She doesn’t feel the beat of a lover; she sees a man with clear eyes and a soul that doesn’t match hers anymore. She has started searching for stars somewhere else than in his eyes, and she realizes she wants to create a galaxy where he isn’t a star anymore. She understands he’s now a passing comet, something from the past with some craters matching hers, a beautiful rock she has to free from her orbit.

Her phone buzzes and she immediately takes it, it earns her a sigh from Mike and a muffled “I need to go to the bathroom”. It’s not as bad as she deserves.

She stares at the phone resting in her hand, it feels a little warm as it was tucked under her tight. A picture of Brainy, Nia and herself looks up at her, they are at their favorite ice-cream place. Nia is smiling broadly, both of her arms resting around Winn’s and Kara’s neck, she’s wearing cat ears that Brainy keeps on saying are hideous when everybody knows he finds them cute. Winn is throwing a peace sign and winking obnoxiously at the camera and Kara is sticking her lightly blue colored tongue as her glasses fall from her nose. It’s one of her favorite pictures of all time, one she often fancy printing and framing it in her bedroom.

She finally sets her attention to the text message she received, it’s Lena. She opens it without a second thought, letting her thumb swipe swiftly accross the cracked screen.

**You’re doing anything?**

Kara looks at the movie playing before her, the sound is incredibly low, she remarks.

_Watching a movie, and you?_

**Studying.**

Kara rolls her eyes, her lips curving slightly upward. _Of course_.

_You should take some time off; you are going to tire this big brain of yours._

Kara hits send, watches as gray dots come and go on the screen before they disappear completely. Was it condescending? Maybe Lena doesn’t like these kinds of jokes? She doesn’t know a lot about Lena admittedly, but she doesn’t want to dwell on this too much.

**It’s strong, don’t worry. What are you watching?**

Kara doesn’t even know; she grabs the remote at the other side of the couch and unveil the title. She cringes.

_The 5th Wave._

**It’s… an interesting choice.**

She laughs, she knows Lena probably thinks it’s a shitty movie but doesn’t want to be rude. And yes, it’s not the best movie of all time, but when you have nothing to do, it does the job.

_You can say it’s terrible, you know._

**I wouldn’t dare. But it’s good that nobody’s here to see you watching such a thing.**

The door of the bathroom opens, lighting up a small portion of the living room. Mike comes out, slowly and slightly hunch, staring at her phone like it’s his worst enemy.

_Yeah… It’s better this way._

Mike sits again, leaving some space between them. He looks at the TV, but Kara can tell he is paying it little attention.

She grabs another candy.

_I'm feelin' the way that I'm feelin', I'm feelin' with you (Ooh, ooh)_

_I stare at the girl in the mirror, she talks to me too_

_Yeah, I can see it in your face_

_You don't think I've pulled my weight_

_Maybe it's time for us to say goodbye 'cause_

_I'm feelin' the way that I'm feelin', I'm feelin' with you_

_I'm not havin' fun tonight_

_Lady Gaga – Fun Tonight_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again thanks for reading and THANK YOU for you patience. 
> 
> i can't promise you an update soon but just know this fic is always on my mind and will not be abandoned. 
> 
> it means a lot to me to see kudos still being left even when my updates are so irregular, i'm really thankful. 
> 
> i hope to be back again and plz take care of yourselves, COVID-19 is not a joke and pretty real. 
> 
> PS: i have nothing against the 5th wave movie, i just didn't like it and it's the first movie that came to my mind when i was writing this chapter but nothing personal! also i'm so happy to finally put some lady gaga lyrics at the end of a chapter!!!


	10. a not so-poisoned chalice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara wants to surprise Lena, it fails miserably but somehow, at the end, Kara's not mad about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! here's another chapter longer than usual (nearly 3k, i know who would've thought?). I really had fun writing it and tried to edit it as much as i could but i apologize for any missed mistakes. i hope you'll enjoy it!

“Lena!” 

Kara’s running toward her friend, the tips of her boots digging little holes in the previously immaculate snow. Lena’s coming down the bus, gloved hand gripping firmly the small plastic railing, staring intently at the patch of black ice covering the sidewalk. She’s wearing a thick navy coat which probably hides two more layers of expensive sweaters and meticulously placed heating pads in its pockets. Kara learned early into their friendship that Lena wasn’t messing around with the cold or the whole winter weather really, she _hated_ it. It made her hands hurt, her nose and cheek turn red, her skin dry and basically made her glow down. Kara tried to make her think otherwise, to change her mindset because Lena was, _is_ , incredibly beautiful and if _this_ is Lena at her lowest point, she’s definitely unprepared for Spring/Summer Lena.

Knowing this, it shouldn’t surprise Kara that Lena’s wearing winter’s boots, like big chunky boots _ready to climb the Mont Blanc at any given moment_ boots, it shouldn’t… but it does, and Kara misses entirely the patch of black ice. She slides across it, sees Lena’s expression changing from surprise to worry in a matter of seconds, is painfully aware of the people on the bus watching her body defy gravity and then she’s laying flat on her back, in a bed of hard, unforgiving snow. She should stand up, get on her feet and pretend nothing happened, but she can’t, she’s replaying the scene a hundred images per seconds, three times, until a fit of giggles escape her mouth. She’s covered in snow, lying on the ground with bruises probably forming on her back, and she’s laughing.

Kara’s vaguely aware of the bus taking its leave but mostly she’s listening to Lena’s cautious footsteps, her friend who’s probably wondering if Kara had hit her head too hard or if she’s just crazy. She feels Lena’s shadow casting over her, or rather she imagines she does because it’s cloudy and a shadow is pretty immaterial, and she waits. She wonders what Lena’s doing, if she’s checking for any injuries or staring dumbfounded at her unmoving body. She wonders until she feels something cold hits her face. Kara frowns and finally opens her eyes, coming face to face with a slightly hunched Lena, dropping pinches of snow onto her face.

“Oh, the lady is alive,” says Lena, a teasing smirk slowly forming on her face.

“This is not how you treat your injured friend Lena,” pouts Kara, arms crossing. “I will have to teach you a thing or two about friendship.”

“I’m sure.”

Lena retracts herself then, adjusting a scarf Kara hadn’t noticed beforehand, probably previously hidden under Lena’s massive coat. She doesn’t offer Kara a hand, content enough to watch her struggle with getting up. She’s containing a laugh, Kara knows it, but she’d rather pretends she’s not; her ego has taken enough blows today.

At the end, Kara doesn’t feel like she has broken anything, her back is a little sore but apart from that she managed well. She casts a glance at Lena, as she carefully removes the snow from her pants, sticking her tongue out as her friend turn around to laugh. Kara wants to pretend she’s mad, but Lena’s laugh is rich and echoing in the deserted street, forcing her to join in. She takes a few steps as her laughter subsides and takes Lena’s arm, removing her from the sidewalk and leads them toward a lot of buildings.

They talk little on their way toward their destination, except from Lena making a show of pointing any patches of black ice, even the ones they won’t cross. It’s _fun_. Kara has been waiting to feel that bubbliness again in her chest.

The last few days had bored her to death, and she had had nothing special to do during them. Everyone was busy and even Alex was unavailable. She had taken a little time away with Kelly, leaving her poor sister mopping around her dorm. Thankfully, Lena had texted her one evening, writing she’d have more free times during the following days and Kara had jumped on the occasion.

She had _something_ for them to do, something Lena had no clue about. It makes Kara giddy to let her friend in the dark, mostly because Lena seems to know everything and when she doesn’t, she gets frustrated. Kara likes frustrated Lena, she’s cute and not slick at all in her investigations. She had asked innocent questions, tried to distract Kara enough for her to make a mistake but Kara hadn’t. She was quite proud of herself; she normally tends to spill secrets by accident way too often, God knows Lena knew too many things about Kara’s friend. It’s not her fault! Really! Lena just has a really trustworthy face, that’s all. Plus, it always makes Lena’s smile shy, her lips pursing as to hide a bigger smile, so Kara doesn’t really feel bad about it. But she had resisted until this very moment and she couldn’t wait anymore.

They stop in front of an old building, painted in brown and red stripes, with a yellow metallic front door. It’s encircled by five other identical buildings linked by their approximately asphalted open parking, the few illuminated apartments allowing them to create an urbanized CPU. Kara likes it, Lena a little less judging by the death grip she has on Kara’s arm and her shifting eyes. She smiles reassuringly at her before pushing one of the old intercom buttons. A small sizzling voice answer them and after an ushered “it’s Kara” in the cold the yellow door opens in a loud beep.

They take a small elevator which doors won’t close completely. Lena mumbles something about safety norms and imminent death as she unsuccessfully tries to stand at a respectful distance from Kara. Their fronts are almost touching, and Kara pretends she’s immersed in the contemplation of the metallic ceiling to avoid an awkward face to face with Lena. It explains why she jumps out of the elevator as soon as the doors open on the 7th floor and nearly knocks herself unconscious against a wall baring a giant 7. Lena only rolls her eyes, motioning for her to lead the way.

It’s not a vast floor, but they still have to get around the rusty elevator, their steps earning little cry from the wooden floor. The apartment Kara is leading them to has its door slightly ajar, she pushes it gently as to not disturb its occupants. It’s quiet inside. The former living room looks deserted from Kara’s position, close to the entrance. An illuminated small greenish bedside lamp stands in the middle of the room, fighting as much as it can against the darkening sky. An open window allows gushes of wind to travel through the small apartment, making the two women shivers, and as much as Kara is fond of a little mystery, the empty apartment is surprising. Somebody should be waiting for them.

She looks over her shoulder worryingly, catches Lena’s eyes who looks like she’s about to tell Kara to cut the bullshits. She’s about to utter a weak explanation when Nia comes bursting through the opened window, closely followed by another person who Kara quickly identifies as Winn. Their hairs are tousled and their cheeks glowing red, few parsed snowflakes adorning they clothes.

“Do I want to know?” carefully asks Kara. 

“No, you don’t,” declares Nia before engulfing Kara in a hug. “And you must be Lena, that’s right?”

Lena nods, frowning, looking back and forth between Nia and Winn. Kara had envisioned a more civilized introduction, but it has the merit of being original.

“Lena, here I present you my dearest friends and biggest bullies, Nia and Winn.”

“She’s exaggerating. We come second behind Alex in bullying,” corrects Winn, extending his hand for Lena to shake.

“And we are here for…?”

“To renovate my aunt’s apartment!” announces Nia, already bouncing with energy.

If the word ‘confusion’ had an origin story, it would start on Lena’s face. Her mouth is slightly open, and it looks like she’s deliberating between laughing or getting the hell out of this place. Of course, it’s when Kara needs support that her friends decide to eclipse themselves to the kitchen, closing meticulously the door behind them.

“Surprise?” tentatively says Kara, coming a bit closer to Lena.

It falls flat, of course, the sound of her voice allowing a deafening silence to sit awkwardly in the room. Lena is debating something, probably her reaction to her friend making her come all this way from the campus to renovate a stranger’s apartment. It’s mesmerizing to see Lena’s unknown thoughts swirling through her eyes, but it’s not the moment to get lost. She needs to come up with an explanation, and quick.

“So, I kind of thought that this would be fun for us to do? Renovating a new apartment, starting anew, you know? Like… we tear down the past, leave it behind to start a new chapter on better grounds? Like, we can do physically what we can’t really do mentally?”

Kara’s digging herself a hole, she knows it, a hole she needs to hide in right now if she doesn’t want to be swallowed by her own embarrassment.

“You could have just said you wanted to spend time with me,” finally says Lena, amusement shining in her eyes, “no need for all these philosophical stuffs.”

“Well, of course I want to spend time with you but that’s not… well… that’s not why I said that I mean…” splutters Kara, eyes locking themselves on the ceiling.

“I’m only teasing, darling,” chuckles Lena, gently touching Kara’s elbow. “Breath, you’ll need it, this place really needs to be refurbished…”

Concerns seem to lace Lena’s voice and Kara watches, with pink cheek, her friend studying the place with growing horror. It’s not that bad. Well, the wallpaper probably dates back from the 1960s and it smells like old people often do, but it’s not like there are moldy corners or anything.

“So, are you done over there?”

Nia’s head pokes through the slightly opened kitchen’s door as Winn munches something behind her that suspiciously resembles Kara’s favorite chips.

“We are,” announces Lena for the both of them.

Nia opens the door fully then, revealing too many can of paints, two ladders and a bunch of paint rollers mixed in a box. There are also bottles of chemical products Kara’s unable to identify on the kitchen counters.

The instructions are given shortly making Kara and Winn empty the kitchen expeditiously, laying all the tools on the ground while Nia and Lena spray the walls with a smelly product. It’s supposed to make the stripping process easier, darkening the wallpaper as it gets progressively wet. Winn and Kara dispose plastic tarpaulins at the bottom of each wall, carefully protecting the wooden floor, then they dispose tapes at the top and bottom of the walls as to not stain the moldings being there.

It’s a slow process and Kara’s back is already aching, her face is red from the cold as they had to leave the windows opened to avoid any chemical poisoning, but it’s nice. Nice to see her friends work together, chatting among themselves, learning a bit more about Lena and laughing for silly things.

It’s beautiful and gets Kara in a playful mood.

Lena is stripping the wallpaper, and while the intent is there, she isn’t quite successful in her ministrations. It’s clear that the product Nia bought isn’t as effective as it should and that it has nothing to do with the way Lena uses the putty knife, but Kara can’t help but teases her for it. She comes up behind Lena, hands in her back pockets, hovering just enough for Lena to feel her presence.

“Say what you have to say and leave,” mutters Lena, stubbornly stabbing the poor wallpaper.

“I just wanted to let you know we aren’t really planning on digging holes in the walls,” starts Kara with her sweetest voice. “So, if you could, maybe, actually strip the wallpaper it would be nice.”

Lena’s grip on the putty knife firms up as she, Kara’s sure of it, restrains herself from rolling her eyes. It makes Kara smile big, so big in fact it’s hurting her cheek, and she should probably stop because Lena’s going to murder her.

“This tool is meant to strip wallpaper you know, like you use it against the wallpaper to take it off?”

“Kara?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to die now, or should I wait to stab you when your back is turned?” charmingly asks Lena, voice smooth and scaringly cold. 

She turns around slightly, eyes cold and a devilish smile in place, looking like she really is about to end Kara’s life. It’s out of an instinct that she steps back and willingly that Lena steps froward making Kara anxiously search for either Winn or Nia, her stupid friends who always disappear when needed.

She’s waiting for Lena to cut the act, drop the putty knife, which is _way_ too close to her chest, and laugh it off but it doesn’t come. She’s invading Kara’s space more and more until Kara trips and fall on her ass, ultimately breaking Lena.

She laughs with her whole chest, a hand clapping her tight as she tries to stand upright and Kara up. Unfortunately for her, Nia and Winn, alerted by the noises, come to the room to watch her scramble to get up.

It’s _humiliating_.

“OK, let’s not kill Kara today we still need her unusually muscular arms to paint the walls,” says Nia as she struts calmly into the room. She extends her hand for Kara to take, but she stubbornly ignores it.

“That wasn’t nice, Lena! You do not threaten your friends!”

This remark goes over Lena’s head. In fact, she goes back to her work without another word, chuckling to herself and suddenly being able to peel off the wallpaper.

“Calm down,” whispers Nia, leading her toward the kitchen, “she’s messing with you she wouldn’t have attempted anything.”

“I know that!”

“Stop looking so bothered then and help me clean these paint rollers my dear aunt hasn’t had the decency to clean beforehand.”

“That’s not fun,” pouts Kara, dragging her feet across the floor.

“Shut up and clean, Kara.”

It’s past 6PM when they finally start painting the thankfully white walls free of wallpaper. They decide to work on separate teams, each on the opposite side of the living room. Lena and Winn teams up instinctively, too engrossed in their conversation about mechanics and aeronautics to even fantom being separated. Nia and Kara share a knowing look, small smiles drawing on their faces as they reach their assigned area.

The plan was simple, Kara would use one ladder to paint the wall from the middle to the top and Nia from the middle to the bottom. It was a simple, clear, bulletproof plan, unless the participants were Kara and Nia, and in this case, it was bound to fail.

It starts well enough. With Kara thoroughly rolling her paint roller in the paint tray, Nia sanding some parts of the wall they had missed: they are being efficient. Now, it becomes complicated when Nia finally starts painting because she starts at Kara’s level when she should’ve started with the area Kara had already painted. She starts there and not five minutes later the first drop of burgundy paint fall on Nia’s shoulder, closely followed by two others on her head. And, while Nia prides herself for her self-control, Kara’s failed attempt to contain her laughter makes her lost it.

This is how Kara ends up with an enormous strip of paint going from her collar to below her waist, this is how Nia gets paint across her face and this is how Winn comes running toward them with a brush full of white paint ready to end their lives. It’s also how Kara ends up chasing Lena around the room, threatening her with a hug filled with burgundy and white paint while her friend desperately tries to curse her out of it.

At the end Kara gets her revenge, Lena allowing her to put one brush of white paint on her cheek “not more than 4cm long and 1cm large subjects to sanctions” and Kara gratefully obliges, cupping Lena’s jaw for show and feigning carefulness. Lena only shoves her away with an amused roll of her eyes and pink tinted cheek.

They finish the room after three hours, one of which was spent cleaning the mess they did on the floor as Winn attempted a rendition of Tom Holland's performance of _Umbrella_. It was a failure, of course, but Nia somehow felt the need to fake cry and clap obnoxiously until Winn was smiling so big it looked like he had seen heaven.

They order pizzas to congratulate themselves and get on the roof where Nia has installed a portable heater which definitely isn’t safe, and that Lena avoids getting near like the plague. They eat in silence, drink too many sugary sodas bought by Winn and tell jokes that shouldn’t be funny, but fatigue makes hilarious. They end up laying on a blanket on the rooftop, staring at the sky, all pressed against each other like lifetime friends, and it strangely feels like a prophecy. Or rather, Kara prays for it to be one, manifests it in her heart because she has never felt warmer and she doesn’t want to be cold ever again.

_I hear the future is so divine  
But I'll just wait until I get a sign  
'Cause what I've got here, what I'm holding in my hand  
Is better for me than some promised land_

_Deep Purple – Throw My Bones_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading & for your patience! i'll try to make longer chapters from now on as to make up for the wait between chapters, plus i kinda like it more that way. i don't have a date in mind for the next update as i'm starting my final exams BUT i'll try not to be gone for too long!
> 
> finally, i have to tell you once more how thankful i am for your kudos & comments it really means the world to me. 
> 
> take care!!
> 
> (also, i'm @debvors on tumblr & twitter if you want to talk about anything)


	11. a friend from the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara, after breaking up with Mike, realizes she can't stay alone for the night. She goes to the only person she can think of and there she reunites with an old friend and embarks on a new journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! i'm very happy to be back and i hope you're doing well. :)
> 
> just a little "heads-up", this chapter is very angsty and deals with heartbreak but it eases up near the end!
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> (i listened mostly to "9th of october" by tove lo, "people i've been sad"/"machin-chose" by christine & the queens, and "i never really" by anna leone while writing this, if you're interested in checking them out)

Kara stares at glossy eyes and shaky hands. She cups the face of a lost lover and kisses his cheek before saying goodbye to happily ever after. She watches as he packs his things, takes the overused shaker with hello kitty stickers she used to make fun of in the morning, put on his back the cardigan she used to find comfort in. Kara feels her heart constrict as he tears away the key to her dorm from his key chain and put in down gently on the desk. They share one last look as his hand finds the door handle, Mike’s eyes conveying a message Kara cannot comprehend anymore, their love having become an ancient language with foreign intonations.

They don’t say goodbye.

He slips through the slightly ajar door, let its weight in charge of leaving the last period of their story. It’s not exactly how Kara had pictured the end of their relationship. She had not expected the void it would open in her heart, how the beating rain on the windows would have to remind her heart to beat. It feels like Mike had taken one end of a ball of yarn and was slowly unrolling it, exposing her beaten up heart.

People’s love is often used to cover our own heart, we take their willingly given layer and add it to our lonely one. We build an armor out of them, let them remind us that somebody care but it’s easy to forget the others when one is gone. And Kara, at this moment doesn’t remember them, she only sees Mike’s layer leaving her body, letting her throbbing heart exposed to the uncertainty of the future. It’s the kind of feeling that makes you go back on past mistakes, the type of feeling that makes you miss what you left, forget why you did. And so Kara knows she can’t stay alone.

Kara takes her worn out black Eastpak and packs it with everything she’ll need for a forced sleepover. She stares at the empty bed of her roommate, think about leaving a message before remembering they are not that close. She buries Mike’s old key in her drawer, under too many unfolded tee-shirts and leaves.

Kara takes the stairs, descending slowly as if she’s scared to catch Mike’s shadow. She ignores the strange noises always coming from the communal cellar, focus on putting her gloves on and not stare at the harsh lightning bulbs along the walls until she’s out.

The outside world is more welcoming, with the heavy rains and the misfunctioning streetlights Kara’s unable to see anything that isn’t right in front of her. It’s perfect.

She puts the hood of her pink jacket over her head and starts her small journey. Kara crosses wet grass, passes by dark alleys and groups of smokers squeezed against each other under small, open halls. She counts in her head the number of turns she takes, recreates the map of the campus in her mind until she’s in front of the desired building. It’s the dorms with single rooms and communal washrooms in perfect shape, with soap-holder forever full and Dyson hand-dryer. It’s the “my parents payed cash my tuition” building, basically.

No-one is smoking in front of this building, there are only a few illuminated rooms, and it looks like the DAs have taken the night off. It allows Kara to wipe her soles for a minute too long on the hall’s thick brown carpet. She takes the elevator to the fourth floor, check left and right for any sign of life before knocking on the door flanked with a 10 in red.

Kara has to wait five seconds before Lena opens the door. Lena who’s wearing her hairs down for once, Lena whose face is free of any makeup, Lena wearing nothing but the sweater falling above her knees. And it shouldn’t surprise her, the sob that comes out of her mouth. It shouldn’t break her soul in half to see these slightly mismatched eyes, but it does. And so, she crumbles in Lena’s arms with so much force that Lena nearly falls backward. She encircles Lena’s waist, grabs the back of the sweater desperately and lets her head falls in the crook of Lena’s neck. The noises that escape her are too raw for her ears, monstrosities coming out for the first time from the darkest place of her mind. She cries unashamedly, nose running, glasses misplaced in the arms of the ignorant. In the arms of a newly named guardian angel, and she lets herself being carried away. She lets Lena drag her to her bed and Lena in a silence full of noise allows Kara to cry her sorrow away. She caresses Kara’s back with a reassuring hand, covers Kara’s head with her cheek, and the blonde can only take.

Kara would like to say something, say she’s sorry for smearing snot on her sweater and probably neck, sorry for barging in so late, but she’s not strong enough. Here, straddling Lena’s lap like she’s going to disappear, like Lena’s hands are the only thing keeping her alive, keeping her ribcage from collapsing, she realizes she’s only human. Kara realizes she has no superpowers, that she, like the others, will cry over a guy she doesn’t love anymore, that it hurts like hell to lose against destiny. That some stories end, and nobody cares but you because you’re not the protagonist anymore: you’re a side character.

Kara sobs die down in her throat until there isn’t anything but a humming sound filling the room, one that isn’t hers. It’s Lena’s. She’s humming a melody; one Kara does not recognize and probably created for this very moment. It’s not varied in tones, it’s rather flat actually, but it makes Lena’s neck and chest vibrate against Kara’s skin like a soothing caress. She wouldn’t have thought of Lena as a singer and she isn't but it’s strange to imagine her humming tunes around her bedroom or in the shower. It makes Kara’s heart soar.

“I’m tired,” drawls Kara, reaffirming her hold around Lena’s waist.

The humming stops, and Kara regrets saying anything.

“We should get you in some pajamas first,” advises Lena, and Kara feels her friend’s thighs strengthen under her to get up, the arms around her loosening. But Kara’s not OK with that. She doesn’t want to get up and change, and she doesn’t want Lena to leave her side, so she presses her body down, trapping Lena's lower body.

“Kara…”

“Don’t want to…”

“Come on, I’ll let you borrow one of mine. You can even take the one I’m wearing as it’s soaked with you tear,” tries to joke Lena.

It falls flat.

Kara's breathing stops, she frees the sweater from her grip and forces herself away from Lena’s chest. Some unshed tears blur her vision as she tries to meet Lena’s eyes without faltering. She offered the sweater, and it shouldn’t mean anything. Because Lena doesn’t know about it, doesn’t know it’s the most cherished garment she ever had, the most meaningful thing of her past, but somehow, she’s convinced herself that Lena knows. Kara looks into those unsure eyes, where conflicts of heart are happening, and the tears flow again.

Lena’s hands momentarily leave her body, struck by the new sobs and the unknown triggering factor. She doesn’t know where to put them, probably because Kara is crying in full view, not hiding in her neck anymore. Lena is so blatantly lost that it would have made Kara laugh in other circumstances, now it just intensifies the crying. Kara expects Lena to shake her up, to tell her to get a grip, but she does nothing of the sort. Instead, she cups Kara’s face with both hands and wipes away her tears with her thumbs. Kara is quick to give in. She lets the weight of her head weigh on Lena’s hand, feels every square millimeter the palms of Lena’s hands cover and sigh.

“We still need to go sleep,” gently reminds Lena, hands leaving Kara’s face in a last caress.

“Do I,” Kara clears her throat. “Do I still get the sweater?”

Lena fondly rolls her eyes and lightly taps the side of Kara’s thigh so that she can get up. She reluctantly rolls to the side and watches Lena look through her drawer, probably for another pajamas and it gives Kara an idea.

“You should take mine,” she blurts.

“Yours?”

“My pajamas, I mean… I brought them; I just don’t feel like sleeping in them. Plus, I feel bad for staining the… your sweater.”

If Lena finds Kara’s behavior weird, she doesn’t show it. She shrugs and goes over Kara’s bag, pulling out a grey tracksuit and the oversized university sweater. It’s immediately obvious the bottom won’t fit Lena’s figure; she throws it at Kara and smirk when they the fabric lands on Kara’s face. She’s about to muster a weak protestation, but Lena looks at her pointedly and motions for Kara to turn around so she can undress in peace. The blonde does as instructed, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t pout and crosses her arms like a petulant child. It earns her a low chuckle from Lena at the end. Maybe she should act more like this in the future.

“There,” says Lena, coming behind Kara and holding the sweater before her face. “I’m going to the bathroom to brush my teeth; you’ll be able to change in peace.”

Kara grabs the sweater and waits for the closing sound of the door before pressing the garment against her chest. The fabric feels the same against her skin; it tickles her just enough to not be uncomfortable and grounds her to reality. The colors are the same too, deep brown and blue, oblivious to the change of ownership. Obviously, Lena had taken great care of it and the only witness of time is the slightly worn off round neck, the stitches parting slightly. Because of this or thanks to this, Kara’s not sure yet, the sweater has lost its scent.

The faint smell of second-hand store has completely vanished, and Eliza’s lavender detergent has definitely lost its battle against the sweet smell of vanilla and mix of essential oils. It’s the undoubtable proof of Kara’s wandering. She stares at her very own relic, her very own testament and wonders, not for the first time, how she filled this sweater with so many memories, feelings and heartaches. How she made the inanimate live and make it a part of her unique try at life. She’ll never get an answer, she supposes.

The sound of footsteps alerts her of Lena’s comeback, and she hurries out of her clothes into the sweater and tracksuit. When Lena timidly opens the door, she’s struggling to put her right leg through the hole at the end of the tracksuit. Lena smiles at her horrified face and without a word grabs two unidentifiable bottles, leaving the room once again.

If she was willing enough, Kara would smash her head against the nearest wall. Instead, she grabs her toilet bag and joins Lena in the communal bathroom. Hopefully, she’ll stop being embarrassing.

Lena had insisted for Kara to sleep with her. Well, on her bed. And Kara hadn’t objected once. For one, Lena has a double bed and two, it’s a cloud mattress. It had to. And Lena is fine with sharing her bed, she doesn’t care, it’s Kara who’s acting weird.

“Why do you sleep like that?” whispers Kara, head barely poking out the heavy blanket.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re dead.”

“Excuse me?!” snaps Lena, eyes wide and fixated on Kara who’s barely able to control her laugh.

“It’s just that you’re lying on your back with your hands on your chest, like you are in a coffin.”

“Could you stop with the death references?”

“It’s not my fault if you look uncomfortable on the comfiest bed,” states Kara with faint judgement.

“Do you know I hate you?” asks Lena, turning to her side, facing Kara.

“You don’t, and it’s OK.”

Kara smiles wider before shuffling closer to Lena and even if her friend rolls her eyes at her antics, Kara knows she doesn’t mind. She gently takes Lena’s arm and wraps it around her waist, let their legs entangle themselves together before positioning her head under Lena’s chin. It takes Lena a few seconds to relax. During those, Kara can hear the silence and the cogs of Lena’s mind.

“Like this, we won’t have to pretend surprise when we wake up on top of each other,” teasingly says Kara in the crook of Lena’s neck.

“I’m really going to kill you one day.”

“If you do, could you at least land me the sweater?”

“You like it?”

And Kara can hear the surprise in Lena’s voice, because the sweater is everything but pretty. It’s probably the ugliest garment fabricated on planet Earth, but Kara won’t dive into the genuine reasons. Even with Lena. 

“I like the smell of my tears on it.”

“For fuck's sake, Kara!” exclaims Lena, pushing at Kara’s shoulder unsuccessfully.

Kara doesn’t have to look up to know she’s outraged by her statement and it makes it all funnier. She bursts into laughter, allowing Lena to separate their bodies slightly, and stares at her in concern and amusement. She doesn’t know what’s happening to Kara, and Kara doesn’t know either.

She had stepped a foot in Lena’s dorm, fully expecting a night of helpless crying only to ends up cry laughing in the arms of her confused friend. Alex would’ve probably kicked her out for her behavior and Nia called a doctor, but Lena only watches, a smile slowly growing on her face. Lena never breaks their weird embrace or untangled their legs; she just waits for Kara to calm down and finally go to sleep.

“You know what? I think you are my favorite person,” quietly admits Kara, cheeks red and covered in tears. Lena looks at her weirdly then, for the first time, as if she’s unable to believe Kara. As if she’s telling a lie.

“Go to sleep, Kara. It’s the tears’ drug talking.”

Kara chuckles low, closing the gap between their bodies until they are one. It’s Kara’s new favorite sleep position.

“Goodnight Lena.”

“Goodnight, Kara.”

The bedside lamp is turned off just as Kara is dozing off. Surrounded by vanilla’s aromas and a friend of the past, Kara swears she’ll make Lena believes she has become Kara’s favorite human.

_I know sometimes, you feel alone_   
_I know some nights, you wait by your phone_   
_I know you wish you had somebody to hold_   
_It don't have to be lonely being alone_

_Chloe x Halle - Lonely_


End file.
